This was supposed to go on my other blog, guys. Sorry.
It’s been hazy from fires and partly cloudy the last couple days. Today is almost overcast. It rained on me last night in Pollock Pines. After spending the day at my sister’s looking through pictures and songs, I just wanted to go to our friends’ Tyler and Andrea’s and sit on their porch by the fire pit. They’re incredibly supportive and love us lots.
On the way to the El Dorado Hills house we accidentally took Bidwell. Chris just wasn’t thinking. I told him it’s okay, go to the crash site, I want to see it. We took the Oak Avenue to Blue Ravine and looked along the side of the road near Olson. We couldn’t find it north of Olson, but when we were driving away, I saw a bent road marker. We turned around and the road was marked in orange at various spots. We found the tire marks, glass from her mirror and windows, some pieces of plastic from the truck and a quarter.
You can kind of piece it all together. There’s the tire marks heading off the shoulder toward the median after she pulled out of the ditch. She must have just not been paying attention because it looked like the road curved slightly and she just went straight into it. If she had just landed in the ditch she probably would have been okay.
You can see the next tire marks at about 100 feet (there are orange marks every twenty feet) where she tried to miss the median. If she hadn’t done that, she might have hit a sapling in the island, but who knows. Next are a line of orange dots. I think that’s where the roll started. The next thing you see is two comma-like tire marks where the suv started its second roll.
The next clear marks on the ground are blood and three markings where her body landed. She was thrown during the second roll. On the shoulder, about twenty more feet, you see where the truck landed. The asphalt is scraped and grooved.
I had to take my mom out there when we told her we had found it. I had to keep her from walking onto El Dorado Hills Blvd to see the blood on the asphalt. I had to keep telling her I needed her to be strong, that I couldn’t take her out there if she couldn’t be strong.
It hurt, but it made it real. I’m glad I went out there. I’m glad I could at least have a visualization of what happened. There’s still a part of me that just doesn’t want to believe its true and I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay unless I start accepting that my dear, beautiful, wonderful best friend and sister are gone. I want so bad just to have her back, it kills me. Everything reminds me of her.
This is what I picked up from the site. The black piece says Ford right on it. I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t remember to eat. I go between losing it and being okay. It almost helps to be around someone as upset as my mom, though, because I feel like I can hold it together better when other people are crying. Is that weird? I don’t know. They’re taking her to the crematorium today. I’m not going. I’m not going to see her. I only want to remember her alive.